whoa

Well, hello there.

I don't suppose too many people read this blog, and I don't suppose too many of the people who DID read it are still checking back, considering I haven't posted since September.

But if anyone's around to hear my apology- I'm sorry for disappearing!

I guess the simple explanation is I haven't felt like writing. At all.

That slash I feel like REALLY writing, like writing a book.. I have no story to tell, no idea for this book, no concept or clue of what the hell I would write, but I have this crazy strong urge to put pen to paper and write a whole book. This happens now and then. I should maybe just start writing one day and see what happens?

I don't know how regularly I'll be here, I haven't been working much (or at all) so my time in front of the computer has shrunk considerably. I'm also trying very hard to work on my communication with Boyfriend, and part of that is telling him the things I would blog rather than blogging them. Why can't I do both, you ask? Who knows.. I just can't. Or don't.

But I've basically been doing well! No money, a slight regression as far as my mental health goes (though happily back on the upswing now), but on the whole my relationship with Boyfriend is stronger, my relationships with friends are strong or stronger or even rekindled after long absences, which is fantastic.. my family is good.. I've been auditioning and feeling reasonably good about it, which makes me feel more whole. My voice is strong and my heart is in it.

What else.. today the NY State Senate voted against Marriage Equality, so that's pretty super. If I ever hear about one of the no-voters eating bacon or lobster, so help me I'm stoning them. Also this Stupak-Pitts nonsense continues to make me ragey. Shock.

I'll try to write regularly. I hope you've been well.

also

A slightly more "pretty" version of this is all I want and more for my eventual wedding gown.

Incidentally, I really hate that I daydream about weddings so much, considering I don't actually WANT a big wedding. And by big, I mean "attended by more than 25 people."

But oooh it is so pretty...

Help me to understand:

How a grown woman posted this as her Facebook status:

"Go see Toxic Advendure!! It's hilarious and only 25 bucks!"

I'd love to believe that this is some sort of an ingenious tribute to the show, combining avenger and adventure, but... I think we all know that she simply cannot spell "avenger." Woe.

Also:

This newfangled Republican argument that "all porn is gay porn."

Here's a nifty summary of what went on at the Values Voters Summit (which- newsflash, guys- I vote based on values, too. Idiots.), but really... Coburn's Chief of Staff's assertion that all porn is gay? Is just... I mean... WHAT?

something within me dies

some more charming photos







Paul Begala's response: A Sign of the Times

The tiniest taste of justice on CNN

and some wisdom from Tim Wise. Really, that should be a daily post, the man is amazing.


As for me?

I haven't slept in days. DAYS.

And it shows. Makeup hides it on my face, but I can barely form a sentence (at least when blogging I can retype when I do things like write "the tinyiest taste of justince") or retain things said to me. It hurts.

I don't know why I 'm not sleeping. Boo.

Going to follow up this morning's coffee (which has succeeded, at least, in keeping my eyes open) with a caffeinated iced tea beverage (snapple. ew.) and try again later.

oh dear

no comment.

honestly. i have nothing to say. it speaks for itself so beautifully...

flickr: meet your conservative movement

things I choose not to do:

Reminisce or blog or fucking Facebook status update about 9/11.

I mean, obviously I'm thinking about it. I'm not immune. And everyone else is talking about it... and I have mild PTSD about it all, anyway...

But for real, I don't think anyone cares where I was. Until people start claiming it never happened, until it stops being invoked every other day to terrify people and justify wars and bias... eh. I'm out. One day my kid(s) will ask me about it, and I'll tell them, but I think I'm on hiatus until then. I mean, unless someone asks me. I'm not a dick.

The only weird thing that I'm noticing today (for the first time in 8 years) is how strongly it is making me remember and think about my boyfriend-at-the-time. I very rarely viscerally remember him, but oooh I really do today. Obviously, he was a huge part of my experience. Every now and then I flash to the night he (drunkenly) wept about it for hours while I sat numbly, but... that's kinda it. So to for some reason be having a timeline flashback (specific to where he was throughout the day) is totally odd.

But, for me, enough of the sanctimonious "never forget" shit. No one who remembers is ever going to forget.

I'm going to impart a lovely little zen saying that I think any sad day helps to enforce:

"Happiness is the only good. The place to be happy is here. The time to be happy is now. The way to be happy is to make others so." - Robert Green Ingersoll

I'd also like to direct you here. I'm breaking my own rules and pasting the text below, because it is fucking awesome:

"Happy First Post-9/11 9/11!

By Pareene, 11:23 AM on Fri Sep 11 2009 (Edit, to draft, Slurp)

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On this day eight years ago, four commercial airplanes were hijacked and crashed into buildings and a field. Thousands died. This is the first anniversary of that terrible day, though, that the Terrorists will not still be winning.

Have you finished composing your "where I was" blog post or, god save us, your #whereiwas Tweet? Have you muted MSNBC's deplorable annual encore performance of the televised deaths of thousands? Have you remembered to never forget? Good. Fine.

Shortly after (or maybe during) that day, our president at the time, a little fuckhead no one liked, handed over the reins to the most psychotic elements of his administration. In the vast national wave of jingoism, paranoia, dread, and fear that followed, he and his friends led us into an unrelated war they'd been planning beforehand, allowed the CIA to wiretap and torture anyone they liked (and encouraged the CIA to wiretap and torture even more than they were comfortable with!), and regularly insisted that our memory of that day should not be sullied with critical thinking or expressions of anything other than still-palpable fear. This played better in the sorts of places that had nothing to fear from international terrorism, but plenty of formerly reasonable-acting people in the major targets did play along, both out of personal conviction and partisan duty.

In fact an entire cottage industry of dudes who were Changed Forever On That Day thrived on the internet. Bloggers, all of whom were self-professed Former Liberal Democrats, were suddenly freed to be racist, bloodthirsty warmongers. They were rewarded with traffic and mainstream legitimacy (even as they ritually attacked the MSM as terrorist-loving fifth columnists). Most are still treated as Serious People, even though their defining characteristic was a hysterical response to a crisis.

But we don't even need to feel bad about the Joe Kleins, Chris Hitchens, Andrew Sullivans, Glenn Reynolds, Charles Johnsons, and Peter Beinarts of the media world. Because, whatever, they are as responsible in their own ways as Wolfowitz for the Iraq tragedy, but their magical ride on the patriotism express has ended.

Barack Obama is the president now. Regardless of what you think of him as a politician or a man, he admirably refuses to engage in 9/11 rhetoric. He does not operate from the cynical assumption that his audience believes that America Can Do No Wrong, that to criticize a war is to be a literal traitor, that to not worship the president is to spit on the graves of soldiers, that the correct response to a tragedy is to create a thousand more. He doesn't talk like that. And so, fucking finally, the anniversary belongs to the latte-sipping out-of-touch coastal elites who witnessed it.

On 9/12, people in New York (and DC) did not feel as "great" as Glenn Beck. They just felt like shit. They felt scared and confused and depressed. Many of them were drunk. And only an idiot or an actual terrorist would want to always feel like it was 9/12/01. And eight years later, normal people, with brains and souls, have decided that some emotional distance from that disaster is healthier and wiser than trying to recapture the dread.

So thank fucking christ that the Commander in Chief is no longer subjecting the nation to death porn.

No, this year it's limited to a nutty little cult leader on basic cable who is encouraging his radicalized band of fanatical followers to invade the cities where the tragedy actually happened in order to shock the populace back into fear.

Glenn Beck is an actual terrorist, and the people attending his rally in DC tomorrow are al-Qaeda in America."

Ditto.

Back to work.

why

I would like to give a "shout out" to the very strange middle aged guy who stared at me, like a fucking crazy person, while we were waiting for the elevator, and then proceeded to just keep staring for the ride up. So much so that when he got off at his floor, the other middle aged guys in the elevator both shot me looks... perhaps in sympathy, perhaps in relief that they hadn't had to intervene. Just stupid.

Anyway. Question:

Is today somehow blogger.com's birthday? Is that what I was meant to deduce from this?

I had a birthday not that long ago. I don't like birthdays.

Mostly it is the build-up to the day... the expectation that you will be happy, the expectation that you will do something... the fact that invariably you have to throw your own party, which kills me.

I will say that I had a really nice day and the party I was coerced into throwing myself was pretty fun.

Know what isn't fun? Well, two things:
1.
THESE motherfuckers. As if normal crocs aren't ugly enough.






and 2.
THIS motherfucker. I mean, for real. He is the definition of not fun.

This, however, is fun.

So is the large amount of campaign contributions his opponent has received since last night. $25 of which came from my credit card.

Incidentally, why couldn't this absolute moron at LEAST have shouted "You lie!" at something that could be construed as a lie (if there was such a thing in Obama's speech)? Sec 246 of the bill really clearly says that there is no funding of illegal aliens. Period. So... yeah. That's kinda the definition of not lying, if I'm not mistaken. But what do I know.

I also recommend this article, even though the author was on Sex and the City. That's not his fault.

Gawker and Jezebel generally do the commentary much better than me, so... I'd just go there. Also here.

Oh, also not fun: This hideous excuse for a school district. Someone should trip you. All of you.

Wanna know something? I'm not even in a bad mood today. Anger, apparently, exists regardless of mood. Good to acknowledge.

Today, because it has been a while, I am grateful for:

1. Glee. For serious, you need to be watching this.

2. Jane Lynch. For serious, you need to be watching Glee.

3. The rapidly approaching weekend.

4. That I don't really work in an office where some analyst or trader or something similarly in charge of people's finances just said "Did you eat the quesadilla" (pronouncing the ls). Napolean Dynamite is many years old, sir, and yet still completely annoying to reference. Shhh.

5. Honestly, there are lots of people I'm glad I'm not/glad I don't see very often/glad I don't associate with. They still frustrate me, but in the end I'm glad.

What is that, though? Why do I get mad at people I don't like for being people I don't like?

I just tried to write something articulate about that and all that came out was "asdfiae;j fuck it aaihklnjlkn" so... maybe next time.

I really slept about 4 minutes last night, the tea I'm drinking isn't waking me up despite its claims of containing caffeine, and I still have to sit here for an hour. So unfair. Then going out with a friend. No sleep for this lady. Come on, weekend. We can do it.

PEACE.

wow

Breaking news:

Internet explorer fucking blows. And crashes any time I have more than one tab open.

Stangely, I expect a program that offers tabbed browsing to be able to keep up with a few mother fucking tabs.

Ass.

Taking my chipper self elsewhere.

Today I am considering:

1. Totally revamping the blog (which is why, currently, the photo behind the header is gone.. but I can't figure out what else to do.)

2. Why I watched both garbage remakes of shows I used to love last night. GARBAGE.

5. How the wonky young lady who plays Naomi on new-0210 got hired in the first place, as she is both unattractive and untalented. She is, however, very very skinny. Maybe that's it?

Which is not to say that I don't wonder the same thing about nearly everyone else on that show. She's just my biggest question mark.

3. Why it feels like there is a knot above my right eye. So uncomfortable.

4. What changes I can make in my day to day life to improve my day to day life... cleaner eating? More sleep? More journalling? More water? The Artist's Way? Trying to heal old wounds? Exercise? Yoga? Acupuncture? Hmm.

5. You stay classy, California. Awesome with the family values and all that.

6. Why do people feel compelled to tell new mothers to enjoy their babies while they can because they grow up quickly? I don't care if it is true or if it has been your personal experience, shut the fuck up!

Bizarre.

wait. sorry. new links today...

because I can't help myself. And because I'm tired. And because I actually have something to say but I can't quite articulate it yet/am too lazy to begin.

Later. For reals.

I would really like to understand how this works or benefits anyone or makes any sense or isn't simply stupid. Anyone? I mean... I WAS planning on turning my apartment into an abortion clinic, but...

Randy Thomasson is a bigoted asshole. I remain confused as to how anyone can say things like that and not be aware that they are a bigot. And an asshole.

This man seems smart.

I uh actually have mutual friends with these people (I mean, who doesn't), and have always heard that they are lovely/good people, so this doesn't surprise me at all, but... it still makes my heart happy. Not that she's in rehab, obviously. The rest of it.

Word. You can be sure that this freelancer is working your sick days even when I'm sick myself. I would have to be dying to do otherwise. Outright dying.

PS. I seem to REALLY enjoy the use of "Word" these days. Strange.

I also enjoy THIS. Bill Clinton, I have always loved you. I hope someone is listening to you. And by someone, I mean everyone. Please.

news dump

Apologies for the vanishing act. Been on vacation. Both a mental and physical vacation, but now I'm home, and also largely awake... so here we go!

Links, first. Lots of 'em.

Jack & Jill Politics: When Will This White House Learn You Cannot Negotiate With Terrorists?

"How do you expect folks to continue to go to the mat for your agenda, when you so easily sacrifice our best and brightest at the whim of an illegitimate lynch mob? How do you expect the next generation to invest themselves in the political process when they see that despite their good works, they can be taken out over nonsense, especially when the double standard is so abundantly clear? How can you ask from us what you won’t do for us? And when will you realize that you cannot negotiate with terrorists?"

Shakesville: Dear Leader

Paul Russel Casting's Answers for Actors: Outrage

"I'm sticking with the fact that I'm a living reason we need reform. I have to bankrupt myself in order to get healthy enough to go back to a barely over minimum wage job that will never cover my medical costs"

What. The. Fuck.

Paul's blog addresses something I obviously care a lot about, which is the plight of artists in this mess. Do you know how many weeks an actor (only a union actor, the non-union are just screwed) have to work to get insurance? A lot. A LOT. You must work 12 weeks of covered employment in the last year to qualify for... 6 months of insurance. 20 weeks nets you a year. You are checked up on quarterly. Is 12 or 20 weeks a lot of time in general? No. Is a standard regional theatre gig 12 weeks of work? No. Is everyone lucky enough to book even one job a year? No. Is everyone lucky enough to work 20 weeks a year? NO.

Ugh such a fucking mess. Moving on.

Rolling Stone: Sick and Wrong

Jack & Jill Politics: Preparation H- How Obama Can Flip The Healthcare Script

Salon.com: Mr. President, it's time to fight

"Come on, Mr. President. Show us America is more than a circus or a market. Remind us of our greatness as a democracy. When you speak to Congress next week, just come out and say it. We thought we heard you say during the campaign last year that you want a government-run insurance plan alongside private insurance -- mostly premium-based, with subsidies for low-and-moderate income people. Open to all individuals and employees who want to join and with everyone free to choose the doctors we want. We thought you said Uncle Sam would sign on as our tough, cost-minded negotiator standing up to the cartel of drug and insurance companies and Wall Street investors whose only interest is a company's share price and profits... This healthcare thing is make or break for your leadership, but for us, it's life and death. No more Mr. Nice Guy, Mr. President. We need a fighter."

The Washington Post: 5 Myths About Health Care Around the World by T.R. Reid

The Washington Times: Pro-reform doctor wants critics to forgo Medicare by Stephen Dinan

For serious. Put your money where your mouth is, crazy people. And while you're at it, deliver your own damn mail.

Also love that Dr. Shirley is referring to opponents of reform "Distractors."

Cenk Uygur on HuffPo: Progressives Should Vote No on Obama's Health Care Proposal

I hesitate to agree, but if this thing goes forward without a public option... on some level, surely, they must be kidding anyway, so yeah, vote against it.

Prepared Remarks of President Barack Obama- Back to School Event

which prompted this charming status on a "friend's" facebook page:

to which I say... yeah. Thank God. I don't want your kids anywhere near mine. And I don't want my tax dollars paying for the education of children whose parents oppose book learnin'.



Gawker: In Speech to Bored Children, Barack Obama Destroys Reality TV Business

PERFECT

Andy Ostroy on HuffPo: The Obama School "Controversy"- Has America Gone Completely Insane, or Just Plain Racist?

...yeah.

Orlando Sentinel: Florida Republican Party Chairman Jim Greer slams Obama - but touts GOP views at schools by Scott Maxwell

I hate Republicans. Democrats aren't perfect, but generally we avoid doing bull shit like THIS.

Laura Bush Praises Obama Family

1. Thank you. 2. I hate that this is news. Why is sanity and respect news?

Gawker: Who is Van Jones?

[I missed all the Van Jones stuff while I was away. Maybe you did, too? Here's some linkage.]

Gawker: The Resignation of Van Jones: An Obama Political Achilles Heel, Exposed

Daily Kos: The Afrikaner Party Draws First Blood: Van Jones, Barack Obama and the Audacity of Capitulation by Tim Wise

Wonkette: President Fires Black Man To Please Wingnuts

David Sirota on HuffPo: CNN Debate on Van Jones- Obama Sells Us Out to Political Terrorist Glenn Beck & His Lynch Mob

Jezebel: U.S. Conservatives Lose Shit Over Sex Ed Guidelines

This shouldn't surprise me. Ps I hate people.

Jezebel: Crisis Pregnancy Centers Creating "Artificial Orphans"

This doesn't surprise me. I SUPER hate people.

Daily Mail: Proof that women's chests really are a man's 'first fixation'

The hell you say.

Shakesville: Feminism 101: On Anger

Word. I have nothing to add. But I do like someone saying it out loud...

Um...

Its weird, but AIDS is not Hitler. I can see how you might be confused, though.

Tim Wise's Facebook

I added him because he's awesome. You can too, if you want!

stuff white people do: make classist web sites

Perhaps taking it a bit too seriously, but kinda glad I'm not the only one whose stomach turned when I stumbled upon the hideous peopleofwalmart.com

Jezebel: Keeping Michelle's Hair In Perspective

I hate that Michelle Obama's hair is news. It makes me sad. But that article is really interesting.

Jezebel: Berlin 36: In Which Nazis Screw Up Spectacularly

oy.

Lakeland Rapper Goes To Prison For a Song

So weird that he's going to jail while that preacher who wants Obama to die, Glenn Beck who wants to poison Nancy Pelosi, etc. are just fine and allowed to prattle on. I do wonder why. Oh, wait. Sigh.

The Daily Beast: Inside Sarah's Church

She's a scary lady. The end.

Ireland's Unbelievably Good Commercial for Marriage Equality (via gayrights.change.org)

No comment needed.

The Stew: Hubba hubba! Hubby Hubby ice cream introduced

I love Vermont. I also love Chubby Hubby ice cream. Everybody wins, except my waist.

"Remember How I Love You"

I want to own this book 5 minutes ago.

...and now work is over for the day. Oops. I'll say something that means something tomorrow, rather than simply linking to things! I'm an ass...

zzzz

i have nothing to say. awesome.

instead, i will simply post this picture of puppies, lying in the shape of a heart. i found it on a little sussy

enjoy labor day weekend!!!

i have the sads

Today's question:

Is it really insane that I kinda want my relationship to legitimately feel like "In Buddy's Eyes" from Follies?

I mean... I know in the show she's really in love with someone else (the person she's singing to, in fact) while the ghosts of their younger selves are in love elsewhere on stage in their present, and so the song is sad, a lie, an exagerration to make him jealous and to make herself seem ok when she's not, but... ok, whatever. Let us just take it at total face value.

The other question is why this little feminist is expecting to be treated like a princess, like a prize?

Does it even have anything to do with feminism? I mean... really, feminism just means you think women and men should be treated as equals. I'm not saying I don't want equality, that I won't treat my partner as a prince and/or a prize...

Ok, actually, when I typed "prince" I had a wave of patriarchal ick run over me. Ew.

So maybe just the prize part, then.

And really, nothing against Boyfriend. He treats me real well. Just sometimes I crave some sort of romantic-comedy pedestal treatment. The room full of rose petals (not literally, I'd giggle and then sneeze), some sort of grand stand.

Or like... I know texting is a shit mode of communication, but it is one we rely on a lot because we frequently talk while working (and therefore when we cannot actually speak)... I just wish I never felt like his texts had a tone. Shouldn't we be nice enough to each other all the time that I never feel like that?

Shouldn't the word "whatever" be abolished from loving relationships? In every form and every context?

Look. I know I'm still Hormonal Harriet and a crumbly fumbly mess. But am I totally out of line to hope that he'd fix it somehow? Maybe just overcompensate for how shitty I feel by making the extra effort to sound really really happy and loving?

Anyway.

Lyrics.

"Life is slow but it seems exciting 'cause Buddy's there.
Gourmet cooking and letter-writing and knowing Buddy's there.
Ev'ry morning, don't faint, I tend the flowers.
Can you believe it?
Ev'ry weekend I paint for umpteen hours.
And, yes, I miss a lot, living like a shut-in.
No, I haven't got cooks and cars and diamonds.
Yes, my clothes are not Paris fashions,
but in Buddy's eyes, I'm young I'm beautiful.
In Buddy's eyes, I don't get older.
So life is ducky and time goes flying and I'm so lucky I feel like crying, and...
In Buddy's eyes, I'm young, I'm beautiful.
In Buddy's eyes I can't get older.
I'm still the princess, still the prize.
In Buddy's eyes, I'm young I'm beautiful.
In Buddy's arms, on Buddy's shoulder, I won't get older.
Nothing dies.
And all I ever dreamed I'd be, the best I ever thought of me,
is every minute there to see in Buddy's eyes."

(oh, Stephen Sondheim. You complete me.)